That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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