Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
