I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
