Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize