between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
