Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
