Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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