i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
