I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The Olympian is in my bed
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
