My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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