My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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