i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
