I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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