I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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