I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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