you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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