Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I am available for nakedness
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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