i just made my gag reflex go away.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
