The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
