I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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