ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
