i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
