Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
