i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize