This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
