I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize