I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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