I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
