i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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