I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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