Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
