I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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