is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
