That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
third nipple confirmed
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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