Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
