I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
