I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
