I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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