There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
