Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
