i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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