Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
