May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
