the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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