We won't sleep together?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
