Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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