My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize