So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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