I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
