In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
