Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
