oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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