There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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