things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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