party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
