but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
