he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize