I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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