i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
